Advent and Taking Stock

Today is the first Sunday of Advent, and the beginning of a new liturgical year. Having read this post by Miranda Threlfall-Holmes about taking stock of things at the end of the year, and realising both how much has happened in the past year and what is to come in the next few days, I've decided to do my own bit of reflection.

 

This time a year ago, I'd finally started the correct dose of testosterone after a cock-up by the gender clinic meant I was only taking one seventh of the right amount for three months! In that time, my body has changed enormously, which has done a great deal to relieve my gender dysphoria. It's even been worth going through a mini-menopause as well as second puberty! Perhaps the most significant changes have been that my voice has broken and my facial features have changed, meaning it's now fairly rare to get mis-gendered or hassled in public. I feel a whole lot happier and more comfortable in my own skin as a result, and I hope this is reflected in how I come across to others. I've also been working hard to prepare for my chest surgery; after seeing the surgeon in February (one day after my 30th birthday), I've lost over two stone and improved my fitness beyond all recognition in preparation for the operation, which will be on 4th December, all being well. I cannot deny being scared, but also cannot wait to be de-boobed, if I can put it like that!

 

Reckon I now scrub up pretty well!

 

I suppose the other big thing is that in September, I began the process of offering for Methodist presbyteral ministry. I started out going to the local (circuit) gathering and having my sense of calling unanimously affirmed by those who've got to know me over the past four years as something worth exploring further. That was pretty overwhelming; I don't know what I expected to happen, but it certainly wasn't such a resounding vote of confidence - I still get a tad choked-up about it, to be honest. Prior to that vote, I completed an eight-day placement in Leicester, back in June, which was really inspiring. The minister I shadowed, Dave, struck me as really living out what I think I'm called to do - to help people recognise that they matter and can make a difference in their community. Reflecting on that formed just one part of the work for my eight-thousand word portfolio which got submitted at the beginning of November, and I've also completed two assessed services, survived a psychotherapist appointment and filled in a thousand-and-one forms!

 

Having started out the process wondering what all the fuss was about, I now reckon that it's impossible to take it seriously and not end up being heavily emotionally invested in the whole business. I've found the journey thus far to be very affirming, and it's made me realise that whatever its outcome, I've got something to offer and I'm not wasting others' time by candidating! That isn't something I find easy, because while my self-esteem has improved beyond all recognition and my barriers don't immediately slam up these days, I still struggle with praise even more than criticism, and honesty forces me to admit that I don't always handle the latter very well. However, I've got my head around the idea that God has given me gifts with which to serve him, join her in building up the Kingdom, and play an active role in the life of the Church. If nothing else, the process has made that penny drop! The next step is regional (district) selection at the end of January.

 

This year has also been massive in that Sally and I have celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I feel very blessed to have someone as wonderful and zany as her in my life, who's willing to put up with me, even though I sing Beatles songs loudly and out of tune in the shower in the mornings, on the days when I've not just being grumpy! It's just one of a number of firsts for this year: I visited somewhere I've wanted to go for years (Canterbury Cathedral) at Easter, visited Madrid on multiple occasions with work while validating operational risk capital models, went to my first Glyndebourne, shaved my face for the first time, spoke at Greenbelt as part of a panel discussion, became an LGBT Champion at work and managed to run over ten kilometres without collapsing like an asthmatic wheezing wreck! I've enjoyed documenting the year with a picture for each day on Facebook, even though some days the evening's TV was the most exciting thing that happened...

 

As you can see, it's been a busy year. As a final thought for this post, I was at a Two23 meeting yesterday and we sang this song at the end, which with all the emotions around candidating and my upcoming surgery and how kind and encouraging and loving so many people have been to me individually and Sally and me as a couple, made me burst into tears. It's about God's love surrounding us, which is very much how it feels at the moment: